Well hello there, readers. It feels like it has been such a long time since I've taken the time to sit down and blog. Although I don't get to every day, I feel like this is a coping mechanism for life for me. Writing has always been an escape of sorts for me. I can write down what I'm feeling and thinking better than I would ever be able to express it in a conversation. So, for anyone who takes the time to read this tonight, I'm sorry. This post will be the resting place of all the nonsense that has gone on in my life for the past few weeks. Be prepared, and don't say I didn't warn you. :)
Well, the month of July was absolutely hectic for me. I feel like after every July 4th the summer just flies by. That is exactly what happened this summer anyway. I went to Ohio with my aunt and cousin the week after the 4th. In a previous post I explained all about that. It was an interesting trip to say the least. But hey, we didn't get lost a single time, and we all got to spend some quality time with one another. I think that's something we take for granted. We so often pass up the opportunity to spend time with the ones we love, not realizing that someday we don't get the chance to do so. I'm glad I was able to spend that week with two people I love very much. I wouldn't have traded the 28 hour round trip for anything. Family first.
After that I had a very reviving week of vacation bible school at my church. It was renewing, but it was also a very stressful time in my life. I was definitely feeling pressured to be someone that everyone wanted me to be, not someone that God wanted me to be. I'm not the most obedient person when it comes to God's will, that's one of my big faults, but I try not to be a completely different person than what He wants for me. I felt like I had to be this big shot Christian, going around preaching to people about the Gospel, when in reality I know that I don't even understand enough about the Gospel to tell anyone else about it. I was so stressed because of this, but I know it was God's way of telling me that in order to be the person who can speak in front of a crowd, I have to take the time to really get to know Him and His word first. So little by little, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm at a point, though, where I feel like I've become a lukewarm Christian. In all honesty, I don't know if that's what I am, but I feel like I've become very lazy. God himself says He will vomit the lukewarm Christians out of His mouth on the day of judgement. I just don't want that to be me. I don't want that to be anyone. I feel like I'm failing in a way. But I know God has a plan for my life. As much as I worry all the time, I never worry that God doesn't have a plan for me because He does. He has a plan for all of us.
During that week of big changes in my spiritual life, I also had a big change in my personal life. My boyfriend, who is a wonderful man of God, and I decided to take a break. We felt like we were holding each other back from growing in our relationships with God. To this day, I feel like that is true. However, at the time we thought the only way we could get closer to Him was to break up. That was a really rough night for me and him. We both really struggled. We got a lot of great advice from people who care about us, and we made the decision to grow together. It doesn't make you any holier to be focused on God and single. You should focus on God ALL THE TIME. Our relationship has had some major changes in the past few weeks. I won't say that we haven't struggled because we have. But we're going to work it out. God will work it out the way He sees fit. All I know is I love the boy with all my heart. I know I will always love him, whether we're together or apart. I want what is absolutely best for him because he deserves it. Any decisions we make in the future will be okay with me because he's my best friend. As long as I have that, I know things will be alright.
After that, I really had to start focusing on my senior year of high school. It's so hard to believe that in just a few short weeks I will start my last first day of school. It has come so quickly that I don't even know where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday I was in eighth grade, scared out of my mind to go to high school. Now I'm THE upperclassman. I'm so lucky to have such a loving and supporting class. We have our fights and disagreements, but at the end of the day we support each other. In just a few short months we'll be saying goodbye for the last time and setting off on our new journeys. To all the people in my class, we better make this year count. We won't ever get it back. I love you guys.
So now in the month of August, I'm preparing for school to start, which means actually doing my summer reading. I'm going to be busy moving my sister into college (how crazy!) and I'll be spending time with my lovely boyfriend and best friend in the process of all those things. My anniversary is coming up this Wednesday and the boy and I will be heading out to do something fun. I'm really looking forward to it. I need a fun night. I'm hoping to attend a great Christian concert next Friday, and I hope to continue to grow with my Savior. I will also be taking my senior pictures with my best friend, which is so bittersweet. Whatever this year holds I will be open to the changes, including any changes that come within myself.
I just had to get all this off my chest before I exploded. Thank you for taking the time to read this, you brave soul. Hopefully I didn't scare you off, and you'll continue to read my blog the next time I post. I hope you have a blessed night!
